The Many Ways to Greet and Respond

Posted: 2009-12-21 13:31:18

In today's world, you run into a lot of people. Some might even say "a metric fuckton". I'm not one of those people, because I don't use fowl language.

It got me thinking about all the different ways you can greet someone, and what the appropriate response is. It really is a bit of an art, and some people (read: most people in the IT world) don't seem to understand how this works. You immediately know something is not quite right with someone based on how they respond to your greeting, or sometimes, how they greet you. So here's my take on 5 normal types of greets, and how you should, and should not respond to them.

Type 1: The "I've never met you and am being introduced by a mutual acquaintance" greeting.
This is the type of thing where you might shake hands, say "Nice to meet you," and then spend the rest of the night trying really hard to remember their name. What you don't do is go for the handshake/hug combo and hold that embrace for the longest 6 seconds of your life. Bad form.

Type 2: The "It's been a while since we last saw each other, how are you?" greeting.
There's a good chance that you genuinely like this person, otherwise you would have avoided eye contact and walked into the spare bedroom to hide in a closet. So you're off to a good start, and given the amiable hello, you're probably expecting something like a "Great to see you again! I've been great, Karen is doing well, and I just got a promotion!" When you see someone after a longer than normal absence, you fill them in with a few key high points that occurred in your time apart. It's warm and friendly and opens the doors to talk about more things that are warm and friendly.

What you don't say is "How am I? Like you don't know! Everyone has heard that Karen left me, I got fired, and my appendix are actually bursting right now, jagoff." This opens no doors that should be opened, and in fact makes me want to go find that spare bedroom closet.

Type 3: The "Hello, co-worker, I acknowledge that I'm walking past you in the hall" greeting.
Typically, this is taken care of with the concise "Sup?" It lets them know that you're not oblivious to their presence, but certainly doesn't imply the need for any further communication. A simple "Hey", mutual "Sup?" or even a head nod (up or down) will do.

What won't do is "Oh not much. I'm totally swamped right now though. Can you believe that Alan actually put me on this project. OMG, he must think I like punishment. Oh wait, do you think that means he doesn't like me? Anyway, I can see you were on your way to the bathroom, and by the way your arching your back, I'd say your holding in a big turd, so I'll keep talking a little longer just to see if you'll shit yourself because the only person that gets hated more than the long-talker is the guy who shits himself at work". I think I'd still hate the long-talker more.

Type 4: The "Hey, I don't know you and we're in an elevator alone but I like your shoes" greeting.
Elevators are weird places, man. You never know who you'll meet in them, and you never know how long you're gonna be in there. Sometimes you hit every one of the 15 floors on your way up. Other times it's just you and the mail guy rocketing down 13 floors only to be disappointed by stopping at 2 instead of the lobby because you were too busy keeping on eye on the ~~serial killer~~ mail guy to push your own button.

Actually, I guess most of the time you just shut up when you get in the elevator. Unless you're a girl, then you tell someone you like their shoes. If I like another man's shoes, he knows it by the respect I show him. I don't have to say anything.

Type 5: The "Oh, hey, you're hot and I want to talk to you, but I'm bad at those things so, uh.. hi" greeting.
Naturally, I have never suffered this type of greeting, both because I A) have a hot girlfriend already, and B) am incredibly suave. But for those of you who have had to brave this kind of greeting, my heart goes out to you. Typically, you'd expect a "Not interested" or "Fuck off" or even "I don't do guys" response. That's probably about what you should be getting, because if you're really cool enough, they women will come to you. Just make eye contact, hold your breath to make your chest look bigger, and hope that you don't already have a hard-on.

In conclusion (that's how I ended every paper I ever wrote in grade school) the moral of the story here is to make sure you're greeting and responding appropriately, or you will fail at life.